My Testimony

You know I remember so well being a very little girl. I was always skinny, shy and sickly. I was abused almost on a daily basis back then. My dad always hated and resented me. He was gay and wanted a boy. So I was a disappointment right from the start. He called me stupid all the time and as I got older the names got worse. I wondered what is wrong with me. I am so bad my own dad doesn't even like me.

He was also a drunk and would have his friends over when he wasn't at the bar for parties. My bedroom was at the end of the apartment and that's where the bathroom was. I would drunks stagger through my bedroom. I felt so sick and so scared and so alone. But I wasn't alone. Jesus had me every second and kept me close.

My great-grandma was a fortune teller and I grew up hearing very strange and scary stories of the things she would do and that happened in our house. My moms parent owned the house we lived in and they lived downstairs from us. I felt so afraid all the time of the awful things I heard but, still Jesus never let me out of his sight.

When I was about nine or so my cousins started sexually abusing me. We would go to my aunts house for birthdays or holidays and one would ask me to go upstairs and play Monopoly with him and then I knew. I would feel so sick and he would get me high on pot too and his sister would give me diet pills and have me watch dirty movies with her. They were both much older then I was and even through they never said don't tell, I knew it was wrong and thought that I would get in big trouble. I lived with a sick feeling in my stomach wondering what was wrong with me everyday. But with Jesus at my side I made it!

As I got older I turned to men to find the love I had always wanted. Of course I didn't find but, was hurt and used many times. when I was 21 and pregnant with my second baby I got married. soon after my mom died from cancer and my husband was making moves on my sister while I was out drinking at the bars. He also began hitting me. After I found out he and my sister had been kissing and talking about how marrying me was such a huge mistake I left him. I continued going out to bars and soon was pregnant again my a Mexican man named Tony. As it turned out Tony had a wife and kids at home. I found out a few months later my sister was pregnant with Tony's baby also. Well I was very hurt and didn't talk to my sister for awhile but, then Jesus softened my heart. I forgave my sister and was there when she has her baby who I to this day love with all my heart.

It is strange that my daughter and her son are cousins and half brother and sister. But they are beautiful wonderful gifts we were blessed with. After that I got pregnant two more times and had abortions. I was scared, uneducated and very misinformed. I do know that the Lord has forgiven me.

Jesus never left me never! He held me up and loved me all the time! Now I am married to my husband Jon, we have six kids, lost two babies. We are now blessed with 4 grandbabbies. We have been together for 21 years now. I know Jesus brought this loving man into my life. He has stayed with me through my drinking my panic attacks my depression and years of therapy. I have been sober for 18 years now and am so blessed with my husband and kids and my internet family. I am helping others with what I have learned and been through. I know this is what Jesus wants me to do. I also speak to groups about panic and PTSD (Post Traumatic disorder). The Lord has brought me through all this and has found a way for me to use it to help others. He forgives me for ALL of my sins and loves me soooo much and he does you too! Have a wonderful day and always remember you are loved!

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