Blonde Jokes

Blonde Jokes
and other one liners
(it's okay - I'm a blonde!!!)

Q - Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M Factory?
A - For throwing away all the W's.

SHE WAS SO BLONDE .....

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concetrate

she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make-up her mind

she told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK'

she thought a quarterback was a refund

she studied for a blood test and failed

she sold the car for gas money

when she heard that 90% of all crimes happen near home, she moved

when she went to the airport to pick you up, she saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' so she turned around and went home,

she tried to put M & M's in alphabetical order

A blonde hurries into the Emergency Room one night with the tip of her finger shot off.

The Doctor asks her, "How did this happen?"

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde relies.

"What???" sputtered the Doctor. You were trying to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly" replied the blonde. "First, I put the gun to my chest and I thought - I just paid $6000 for these - I am not going to shoot myself in the chest!"

"So then?" asked the Doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought - I just paid $3000 to have my teeth straightened - I am not going to shoot myself in the mouth!"

"Well ... " said the Doctor.

"Then I put the gun to my ear," said the blonde, "but I thought, "This is going to make a loud noise - so I put my finger in the other ear" before I pulled the trigger.

Q - What do you call Eternity?
A - Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop

Q - What do SMART BLONDES and UFOs have in common?
A - You always hear about them, but never see them

Q - What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A - "Oh goodie! Donut seeds!!!"

Q - What did the blonde say when the Doctor told her she was pregnant?
A - "Is it mine?"

Two blondes are driving through Louisana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the Manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us, how do you pronounce the name of where we are ... very slowly. The Manger rolled his eyes, leaned over the counter and said ...

"Burrrr.....gerrrrr.....Kiiiiiing"

My wife dresses to kill ... she cooks the same way
- Henry Youngman

I was married by a Judge, I should have asked for a Jury
- George Burns

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him have her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her

A woman hired a contractor to repain the interior of her house. As she walked the man through the 2nd floor of her home, she told him what colors she wanted for each room.

As they walked through the first room she said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color" The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked over to the window, opened it and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the the next room.

The woman looked perplexed but continued with her tour. "In this room I was thinking of an off blue" Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it up and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!" This baffled the woman but again she was hesitant to say anything.

In the next room, she said "I would like this room a light rose color" Again the man opened the window and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling out the window 'GREEN SIDE UP' everytime I tell you the color I would like a room painted?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

Eleven girls are hanging from an airplane by a rope ~ one is brunette, the other ten are blondes. They know the rope can't hold them all and agree somebody has to go. They are trying to figure out who will be the one to go, and the brunette says she will go ~ all the blondes start clapping!

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is all right. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She tells him that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said .....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!!!

DIARY OF A BLONDE NEWLYWED

Dear Diary,

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to look for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10!

Sunday:
Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary.
This has been an exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

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