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Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
Don't let worry kill you ~ let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing
like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the
cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
on the carpet should come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night ~ Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing "Break Forth With Joy".
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his
audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister
the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After
the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the
Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in
the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ~ Up Yours."
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference ... The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m.
in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ
the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again."
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't
forget your husbands.
Smile at someone who is hard to love ... say "hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
The Peacemaking Meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled
due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water" The
sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls
on people who are afflicted with any church.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning
service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible
experience".
CHURCH FUNNIES
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going
to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up
with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the
church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that
the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy
of the service, he said impatiently, "but you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice
as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you
who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled
Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
The Church Gossip
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's
business. Several residents were unappreciative of her
activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new
member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck
parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there
would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few
words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He
said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Sarah's house ...
AND HE LEFT IT THERE ALL NIGHT!!!
Standing at the Pearly Gates
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing
to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked
"Men."
He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more
gates. The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who
Were Dominated By Their Wives"; the other gate read "Men Who
Were Boss and Dominated Their Wives".
The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one
little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert
was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all
alone and asked, "Why are you standing at this gate, a little
punk like you?"
The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue. My wife
told me to stand here."
Church Remodeling
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the
preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the
richest man in town.
At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced,
"Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell
from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He
promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my
donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster
fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I
will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of
plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more
and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him
again!"
Meeting after the Service
"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the
service," announced the pastor.
After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back
of the auditorium for the announced meeting; but there was a
stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never
attended their church before.
"My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is
a meeting of the Board?"
"Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as
bored as you can get!"
Pulling teeth ...
A minister just had all of his teeth pulled and new dentures
were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded
this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures ...
and I couldn't stop talking.
Free Offering
A little child, in church for the first time, watched as the
ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so
that everyone could hear him say, "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm
under five."
Daily Prayer
Dear Lord,
I'm proud to say, so far today I've got along alright; I have
not gossiped, whined or bragged, or had a single fight.
I haven't lost my temper once, or criticized my mate. I
have not lied, I have not cried, or loudly cursed my fate.
So far today I've not one time been grumpy or morose, I have not
been spiteful, cold or vain, self-centered or verbose.
But, Lord, I'm going to need your help throughout the hours ahead,
So give me the strength, Dear Lord, for now I'm getting out of
bed.
Picking the Hymns
One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church
needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider
donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He
said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three
hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down
and noticed a $1000.00 bill. He was so excited that he
immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd
like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the
plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to
the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in
thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to
become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,
than to sit and listen."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at
a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes,
as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How
do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother
and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let
us go?"
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of
their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's
picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she
asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot."
Spiritual Gifts
During the French Revolution, there were three Christians who
were sentenced to die by the guillotine. One Christian had
the gift of faith, the other had the gift of prophecy, the other
had the gift of helps.
The Christian with the gift of faith was to be executed
first. He was asked if he wanted to wear a hood over his
head. He declined and said he was not afraid to die. "I
have faith that God will deliver me!" he shouted bravely. His
head was positioned under the guillotine, with his neck on the
chopping block. He looked up at the sharp blade, said a
short prayer and waited confidently. The rope was pulled,
but nothing happened. His executioners were amazed and,
believing that this must have been an act of God, they freed the
man.
The Christian with the gift of prophecy was next. His head
was positioned under the guillotine blade and he too was asked
if he wanted the hood. "No," he said, "I am not afraid to
die. However, I predict that God will deliver me from this
guillotine!" At that, the rope was pulled and again, nothing
happened. Once, again the puzzled executioners assumed this
must be a miracle of God, and they freed the man.
The third Christian, with the gift of helps, was next. He
was brought to the guillotine and likewise asked if he wanted to
wear a hood. "No," he said, "I'm just as brave as those
other two guys." The executioners then positioned him face
up under the guillotine and were about to pull the rope when the
man stopped them. "Hey wait a minute," he said. "I think I
just found the problem with your guillotine ..."
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very
interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would
thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but
eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration
job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock
put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with turpentine.
Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,
and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned
paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the
scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded
by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool, he knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive
me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke ...
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
Humor pages at Cathy's World
[ Letter from a Hillbilly Mother
| My Spell Checker
| The Monkey's Disgrace ]
[ Temperance Sermon
| Blonde Jokes and Other One-Liners
| The Bet ]
[ Rules of Chocolate
| Praise the Lord
| Kids Talk
| Computer Gender ]
[ Church Bloopers & Funnies
| More Blonde Jokes
| Kids Letters to God ]
[ Hymns for the Over 50 Crowd
| Occupational Hymns ]
[ Forrest Gump in Heaven ]
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Cathy
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