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-- CHAPTER 26 --

 

Our family arrived home in Ballarat on the 5th January 1999 after a long and exhausting trip. Some of our possessions had been given away, some had been sent by road transport and the rest had been travelling with us in a caged trailer towed by our vehicle.

We had driven the massive trip home, kids and all packed into the car. This time driving home via a different route than we normally travelled across the top of Australia, so that we were able to stop and visit Justin's mother Pat in Labrador Queensland. Therefore breaking the journey before heading the rest of the journey home.

I must say the final few weeks in Fitzroy Crossing were stressful as Justin finished up his job, we packed up our belongings and the children finished up their year at school. Goodbyes were hard but with the kindness of our very good friend Gail who helped me clean the house before leaving, we were able to leave on a good note.

But the enormity of packing up our life really took its toll on us all and our trip home was definitely not one of our better ones, though as always the hand of God was upon us keeping us safe.

On this trip we had 4 flat tyres!! In all the travelling we have ever done we have never ever had this many. But that was not the worst thing that happened because on our 4th day of travel, just after leaving the town of Tennant Creek in the state of Northern Territory, about 10 kilometres from the edge of town suddenly the car swerved very badly and clunked to a stop. When Justin got out to have a look at what had happened he was amazed to find one of the back tyres sitting horizontally on the ground under the back corner of the vehicle. The studs that had held the wheel onto the car had completely sheared away and the tire had come loose and fallen off. I don't know how we did not roll the car and that Justin had been able to pull up as easily as he did but thank the Lord we were all kept safe.

A passing motorist was able to take our details back into a town mechanic and after about an hours wait we were able to get towed back into town where we had the car fixed and we were once again on our way.

But only two day later we found ourselves in harms way again. We had stopped for the night in a tiny town called Winton in Queensland which was still a fair way inland from where Justin's mother lived on the coast. And I was awoken with severe stomach pain early in the morning that was near unbearable. So as soon as it was light enough I woke the family and told Justin I had to go to hospital I could no longer stand the pain. I was put in hospital for about 1 day and a bit and tested for all manner of things but nothing turned up and thankfully the pain abated after about 24 hours with rest and intravenous fluids. I believe it must have been the stress of it all and thankfully even after a thorough medical follow up and ultrasound for suspected gall stones when I finally got back home, nothing was ever found and I have had no reoccurrences of the same!!

Then believe it or not the very next day after being released from Hospital, which happened to be Christmas Eve, as were on our way and hoping to be with Pat that same night we blew the final 4th tyre this time on the rear trailer. Thankfully we found a very sympathetic fuel station owner who rang a friend and between them got us a brand new tyre fitted and although we didn't make Justin's mother that night we arrived safely Christmas Day at 7pm! We stayed with Pat and her partner Barry for 10 days and although we enjoyed the time with them it was a big relief to be on our final trip home.

Justin and I drove non-stop for 29 hours on this the final leg of our journey, swapping over when we got tired. It hadn't been our intention to keep travelling especially with young children in the car but due to not being able to find a good place to stay for the night we kept on going. And as I mentioned when I began this chapter it was a very exhausted family but a very pleased one who pulled into Ballarat to my parents home that evening.

*****

Only a very short time of our being home in Ballarat my mother's mother my Nana suffered a heart attack and stroke and was taken gravely ill. We were standing at her graveside only a few weeks later. Thankfully on the evening before she passed away I was able to travel with my parents to her bedside and say my last goodbyes. It seemed so unfair that after coming so far home and having been away for so long I couldn't have gotten to see her while she was well but I am glad I did see her before she died.

Another very difficult thing that happened for me not long after being back was my very good friend Lesley who had faithfully written to me for the years while I was in Fitzroy Crossing was relocating with her family to Hamilton about 2 hours away. It felt so unfair that the very moment I arrived back I had to see her packing her house up into boxes after the 6 and a half years we had lived so far away from each other and now I was finally back to stay in Ballarat. It felt so unfair that the very moment I arrived back I had to see her packing her house up into boxes after the 6 and a half years we had lived so far away from each other and now I was finally back to stay in Ballarat.

*****

I know it was so good to be back and the family was glad to have us home again but the tiredness of having travelled across the country, being in a different environment, unpacking, settling into our new house, losing Nana and having Lesley move away really took the joy away. I felt overwhelmed and wanted everything to slow down a bit and I felt pressured by all that was going on. I think maybe we expected that because we were home again in Ballarat things would be easier and we would just feel a lot happier and content but it didn't prove to be as we thought. We had been waiting and waiting and waiting to come home and now that we were, we just wanted to rest a bit and catch our breath but life kept going pulling our family behind it.

My mother pushed us a little to get us settled into our house which was hard for me because I am not a person who rushes to do things I like to take my time. My parents and sister were straight into the unpacking of our boxes to save Justin and I from doing it but I kind of wished we had a bit of time to find our feet and to take our time to settle in. This house was our very first home of our own and it was very exciting being able to finally move in after waiting over a year just to see it but the excitement kind of fled out the door as the mad rush was on to get everything done.

*****

This paragraph is about the first six months of this year 1999..

Written in my diary in January 14th 1999 ~
To be honest I am not feeling happy or excited, just very very lethargic and often non-plussed. As if I'm in a daze, I know I have to do stuff and I do it but I don't feel anything when it's done. I just want to switch off and stay that way but I know there's stuff waiting, the children need me too. I went to see Rachelle but I was out of it, I wanted to see her and I love little Jesse but I went away knowing the way it should have been. I am seeing, but not feeling, I'm taking part but not getting it done.

Things I feel are important to share with you.

* The older children were settling in well to their new school and had made good friends.
* My hearing was continuing to decline it seemed the more tired I was the more difficult it was for me to hear.
* Relations between Justin and I were not good and he was still distant from the children and I and everything seemed to wear me down and I felt I physically and mentally challenged often.
* I didn't seem to be able to relax easily ~ always feeling guilty about it.
* To inspire myself during this period I started posting encouraging letters sent to me into my diary. That way when I felt discouraged I could read them and it helped.
* Early in the year Justin bought me a computer and printer.
* I was thankfully motivated to keep following God. But I did get frustrated knowing what part I played in my relationship with God because I wanted to feel more useful.
* Difficult coming to terms with Justin not having a wage coming in and having no job. Hard having to count every cent. In the coming months Justin received knock back after knock back from numerous jobs and he was very disheartened.
* I finally started typing up Tyler's story on the computer. I really wanted to create something worthwhile and with my whole heart I kept at it.
* I was more aware of the need to send the odd encouragement card when I heard someone was ill or hurting and I found I was writing more letters to support others.
* My brother and his wife Lisa invited me to play Netball weekly with a team they played in and I really enjoyed getting out of the house for the night and taking part. We had a goal post outside the front of our house and I spent ages practising my shots and often the kids joined in too!

*****

On the morning of May 6th I sprang out of bed. The reason being I had just had a dream that inspired my heart! The dream was nothing much to speak of and I cannot really remember exactly what it was all about. But I do remember that I was aware of my being in the gap and how I could use all that had happened to me to help others. What struck me about this dream was that I was neither important in status or doing anything glorified but that I was fulfilling a need and it was something I could manage. This dream helped me in the days ahead to keep going onwards to find out what God had in store for me.

*****

During this time tensions were high in our family with Justin finding it difficult without work. The cost of raising a family was stretching our finances to the limit and this instability affected us all. Justin was very much on edge and his health was suffering and some days he didn't feel there was any reason to get out of bed and the slightest thing could blow his fuse. It was frustrating for me trying to be the peacemaker in the family as Justin refused to get any help and I felt so alone for it and spent many hours in prayer and many moments in tears overwhelmed.
Raising and taking care of the children, keeping a home, trying to adjust to all the changes of our new life and yet often feeling so worn down in spirit was a real juggle and then there was this added tension and anger which I bore from Justin. It was very hard on me and it took its toll.
All I could do was just commit Justin to God because I just didn't have anywhere else to turn. There seemed no one at all who could talk to Justin and help him through this awful time and no one who really cared about what he was going through. Though I know there were a faithful few who were continually praying for him.

I would have ultimately given up if it had solely been up to me, somehow I would always get an added boost when I most needed it. I believed as I always have that God was in control and that God would bring us through. I knew that there was many times when it was only because of my faith that I could even make it through the day.

Thankfully my parents were ever supportive and helped us when they could with financial needs and a visit to help with the housework, take care of the children or just to sit and talk. I met up with them and a few others once a week for a bible study and it was a much needed spiritual and mental lift.
Often, as it had been in Fitzroy Crossing, Sunday mornings at church were once again hard for me. Even though I faithfully came every week with the children my soul was weary and it felt very much like I was there in body but not in spirit.

This is what I wrote in my diary in May 30th 1999 after coming home from Church~
(My added comments in brackets)

I felt very despondent after church today, I find it that Conner falls asleep before the end of the service in my arms and I am stuck and talk to nobody. Olive Odgers comes up to me every week, kissing me and saying hello. I really value that. (This dear sweet lady really hardly knew me but for some reason every time she saw me she came up and cherished me as if she has not seen me for years.. I felt her affection was a kiss from God.) Rudy and Raelene are always friendly (we met with them mid weekly for Bible Study). Mum brought me a cup of tea. I struggle, I really struggle to find something, anything to say to someone I don't know.

Justin was given some part time work with brother-in-law Tim and friend Steve beginning in July that boosted his spirits as well as our pockets and on a positive note joined up as an St John of God Ambulance Volunteer and that helped him feel more worthwhile.

*****

Tyler's 2nd Birthday in heaven and his heaven date passed by quietly and I felt peaceful about the memories of him in my heart.
It really did help that I was working so hard every spare moment I could on typing up his story on my computer. The story had progressed enough that I was able to copy out a few chapters with my printer and hand them on to friends and family to read. Doing this really helped me to stay focused and keep plugging away at it because knowing that those reading might want to read more made me keep writing. Even though I had a strong desire to write and tell Tyler's story, often I would sit staring at the screen because the words would just not come and there were many days when I could not write at all.

Frustration dogged my every step and nagging thoughts kept circling in my brain that I was not achieving anything in my life. I felt that some days the only good thing I was doing was following God. I sometimes invented daydreams to drift into when I needed to escape the monotony of life. There didn't seem to be any reason to my life and I was just doing it but not feeling anything. But through all of this I kept at it with my writing.

And on August the 12th 1999 it is noted in my diary that I proudly finished Chapter 5 of my story, which had taken me 1 and a half months to write. This gives you some idea of the time frame, emotional battle and sheer hard work it took me to write and yet for all the struggles I too, like those reading, enjoyed what I wrote. Because when I would sit and reread looking for mistakes I would be encouraged by what I had written and very often would not have to scrub hardly a word. And I never got tired of reading and rereading what God had done through me and because of Tyler and I knew in my heart this was all for something.

In all there was about 8 people reading along as I wrote and every so often I would sit for ages and print page after page and then either post it or take it in person to these dear souls. Every person got individual copies printed back to back all numbered in order and I kept a detailed account of the dates I typed them up and which chapters I had given and to whom.
Those reading were my Grandma, Justin's mother, Jeff and Merrilyn, Zan the health nurse in Fitzroy Crossing, Dale and Wendy White who had been with us the day Tyler died and a few other friends.

*****

On November 14th 1999 we had our first official church service at Ross Creek Fellowship. A few families including my parents and the children and I had decided to meet together in a Hall in Ross Creek, which is in a small country town about 7 klms from where our we lived. This was a major change for all the families attending who pulled out of much bigger congregations to create our small but friendly Church family.

Being hard of hearing Dad and I really cannot just sit back in a pew and take in what a preacher says because we don't always hear him so for us this new church meant that we had more of an opportunity to be involved and feel a part.
My Dad took on the role of preaching a message each week, my mother took on the role of setting up the service and helped provide morning refreshments after the service and I helped alternate weeks teaching the Children's Sunday school classes.

While preaching Dad was feeling fulfilled and even though I did have some trouble hearing the children sometimes, with such a small group and my own children making up half the group I got by quite well because my oldest were able to help me when I couldn't hear by relaying to me what had been said.
I really took teaching to heart and enjoyed preparing fortnightly for my small group of 9 kids and this helped me relax and enjoy being useful. Unfortunately when going through the stress of the year past I had lost the joy of being with my own children and I believe God gave me this opportunity to cherish them because I felt needed and productive here as their teacher. Being a part of a smaller and close church family really helped me feel settled and encouraged and it was a lot closer to our home than the much bigger Church we had been attending since coming back. I also had my parent's help and support each week and almost every week the children and I enjoyed going back to their home for a meal after the service.

The year ended positively in that Justin was continuing to get some work helping out in a mechanic workshop with Tim and Steve, my sister Rachelle gave birth to a beautiful little girl Kayla and we looked forward to the coming new millennium and what the year ahead would bring!

 





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