-- CHAPTER 27 --

Early in February 2000 I got a phone call from my friend Wendy White that greatly helped me, not just to hear her voice and talk with her but because she told me she had shared my story with a friend. Wendy's friend had recently given birth to twins and had lost one of the babies', which died 4 hours after birth. This friend was keen to read more, which really inspired and helped me to keep writing. It was very much a sign to me that this was all for a greater purpose. It was also the first real sign to me that someone was reading Tyler's Story who might be helped by it.

I needed to hear this so much because Justin and I were having problems in our marriage and I was up to the hardest part in the story and he was not interested at all in helping me remember details and talk about what had happened. It could have been so easy to give up at this point. As was quite clear by what I wrote in my diary on the 21st February copied below. I was really struggling to find any hope from within our marriage and it was affecting every part of me. ~

I have no desire to continue being as have been together lately but have no idea how to change. I don't know how to rely on him when he isn't there (in bodily form but closed mentally). I don't know how to sort out and improve our finances because it causes more problems. I don't know if I can be myself with him because he doesn't want to know any of that. But if I can't be myself who can I be. I have to do what God wants because everything else is insane. Thinking depresses me. I want release. "Onward Christian Soldier" I am in a battle.
I suppose what I want is encouragement to keep going.
Nothing will change.

Romaine rang me up to ask if I'd pray about doing a spot on "Good news radio".
Apparently they are looking for presenters. She said she would even look after Conner for me. I was very encouraged to hear this. Not because of what she asked but because she asked. I have been struggling lately. Not spiritually but mentally. I have made myself read my bible and pray daily. I feel unable to concentrate on what's going on around me. I have difficulty accepting our money dilemma, Justin's apathy about everything and that nobody apparently notices. I don't know how I should be coping with my life, why I continue to do some things that I do.
Sometimes I have to just let things out by talking to myself, but I know it's not normal I just can't help myself. I want to care and I do but I can't. I want to be myself but who is that. What should be the most important things to me? What can I do?

*****

You wouldn't expect this to be a period of time to want another baby would you but that was exactly the desire that burned deeply in my heart and one day it just got too much to bear so in the quietness and privacy of the running water in the shower I cried out to God.
I didn't know nor could understand why at this point in my life I felt the desire to want another baby. I had discussed how I felt with a few of those close to me and they vehemently disagreed with how I felt. I think that is what contributed most to why I was at such a low point and praying earnestly with God under the flow of the hot water. I needed to be listened too but nobody was really listening so I was not able to think it through or cope with it as I normally would.
Dear God I prayed how can this be that I so desire another child and feel this is what we should be doing, when I am not often able to cope and keep up with everything already that is my life. Lord I ask you to take away this desire in my heart if this is wrong but if this is your will and you will allow me another child I pray that it happens and you help me with what this would mean to our family.

I knew in my heart that I was only going to make my life more difficult by having another child and my work load would be heavier but the desire was so strong I just had to give it to God to carry for it was too heavy for me.

It did hurt that those close to me thought this was a bad idea mostly my parents but also a few others. I understood they cared for my workload and my mental status but they were not thinking of how I was feeling or letting me even air that I felt this way. They didn't know just how much having my children was a blessing to me straight from God and I felt rejected by their refusal to just listen to what I was saying.

*****

Ever since I had been a young girl I had wanted to be married and have children.
But my life had not gone the way I imagined it could and believed that it would and had been taught that it should. Which is the reason I think that having children was so important to me because I felt that they were all I had in life to show to the world I had done something right and good and whom I could be proud about.
For every little Christian girl knows that when they grow up they marry Mr Right and than they wait before getting married and then have the wonderful wedding ceremony with all the friends and family together. Going onwards to a happy marriage and a fulfilling relationship to finally nurture and raise a family of your own. Of course we all know that this rarely ever happens exactly this way but the standards are felt so heavily and those who fall short feel every inch they have fallen short.

I had turned up my nose at these traditions and biblical standards taught to me from childhood and gone along my own path so what is one left with if they don't follow this path but the notion that one has failed?
I had married Justin knowing that he was not a Christian and didn't believe as I did and had learnt that this could well cause us great pain and division for the future but of course back then I had not even thought about such.
Now it seemed I had no right to expect any better, as it has been said to me since we married that Justin and I were now lying in the bed we ourselves had made and because our marriage continued to fail I felt more than uncomfortable I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. And with Justin constantly coming down on me because of his failures and struggles (he always blamed me for his anger) and with others not listening to me. I felt all the more miserable so I clung desperately to what I knew was a sure sign I was being blessed and had a purpose. My Children.

I could always hold dear to the fact that even though I wasn't in a happy marriage or hadn't made the "right" choices in my youth that I did have our children. Our children became even more precious, a blessed gift straight from my Father in Heaven who loved me and accepted me for all this and loved me. It didn't matter that God held one of our children in heaven because he had so wonderfully cared for me since Tyler's death. In Gods arms I found comfort and peace. In his presence I found forgiveness and love and he often washed away the hurt from my world and gave me strength to go on.

*****

No one in the world could take away the precious privilege I felt from being a mother and having children and maybe that is why God heard that cry from deep within my heart. Maybe that is why he opened my womb and allowed me to be pregnant again. Maybe God saw my hearts desire to place him first in my life even though I had not followed his ways perfectly and though things were hard. Maybe because I now followed him with my whole heart he blessed me this way.

I can say honestly it is only because of my full commitment to God that I have been able to stay married to Justin, staying by him when the hurt and pain of our relationship became more difficult than I thought I should or could bear. Justin having been verbally and emotionally abusive to me through the years of our marriage wether he admits to it or not which has been much harder to face than even Tyler's death. And looking back as I write at this point of the story I can see that this was starting to take its toll on me.

Thankfully that wonderful peace which God gave me through Tyler's illness and death was still very much carrying me and as I looked back on the past 2 years I realised that I had known somehow inside my heart that things were going to get worse in the future. As if God was giving me a reminder to look back to see wonderfully at this point he had been with our family in the past and comforting me not to give up.
I didn't feel afraid or angry at this inner knowledge but it helped me to confront my pain and look to his peace for comfort. That peace seemed to be as much a confirmation of Gods presence with us now than it was back then.

*****

I am fortunate while writing this part of the story that time has passed and I can look back to see what has happened since. Maybe that is what God intends for this story I don't know. Not so long ago I was given a bible verse that changed my life and made me cry out buckets of tears and realise that for all the years of abuse and hurt in my life, the struggles of Justin and myself and how I hung in there when there was plenty of reasons to throw it all in. That there was something far greater plan at work in our lives, which ran directly through what happened to Tyler and how we both reacted to his loss in our lives. How I felt the power of God in my life and felt peace and Justin fell to his knees and struggled on. How that the years of our troubled marriage and my troubled self-esteem were all part of Gods plan to move me where I needed to be and shape me to help others. And right now at this part for all the peace I had felt and strong faith I was very close to years of hurt, frustration and failure.
Now is a perfect time to write this verse that I found in Genesis 50. The Chapter is sharing of the life of Joseph when he meets his brother's years after they sold him into slavery following years and years of hardship and separation from his family This verse was spoken after Josephs' brothers' throw themselves down in front of him because of what they had done to him.

In verse 20 it says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
Now I didn't write this or am encouraged by this verse because I thought what I had been through would have such an impact on others. But because of what Joseph said about the harm he had faced and that God intended it for good to accomplish something far better. It is so overwhelming for me to dwell upon this promise that God will take the hurt and failures of my life and what happened and turn them into something good which might even help others! Doesn't it just give you so much hope for all things.

*****

When I had first met Justin nobody seemed happy at him and me together. And everybody agreed that it wouldn't work and you know some of the reason I was so determined to be with him was because that had been said. Justin was everything that most people weren't and because he said and felt what he liked and I respected him for that and felt myself with him, I was drawn to him. Having children with him had been as easy too. I was young and very naïve but when I said I wanted to have a baby with him he didn't disapprove of why we should have a child knowing full well that is exactly what I wanted. I cannot imagine what I was thinking when I did all this so flippantly. Just one day deciding to have a baby without preparing for a child, being in a stable relationship or even thinking of the future for the baby, Justin or myself. But that is the truth and so I write it how it was.
Why?? I ask myself that question now and can only come up with that it might have happened because I was raised and taught to see right and wrong and not learn the why and why nots and take responsibility for my actions. Sex was taught as a forbidden fruit before marriage and a no-no instead of being taught as part of what God had planned it for and what would happen if his plan were not followed. But thinking of this in light of how God uses what happens to us for our greater good I feel better for it and hope for the many who don't follow Gods original plan. All one really needs to do is let him mould it all into his plan from this point.

Getting back to the story when we did get pregnant with Sebastian our first child, I remember the Doctor when I told him I was pregnant and after he tested me and found out indeed I was, tried to talk me out of going on with the pregnancy. Telling me to really think if this was a good idea or not. Now he never said abortion but what else could he have meant?? I know he asked me about three times whether I thought having a baby was a good choice.
But of course I was blissfully unaware and delighted about having a baby and from that moment on knew in my heart that there would be more.

*****

And it wasn't long after crying out in the shower to God he answered my prayer and I was pregnant again. But unlike with our first pregnancy this being my 5th I found an understanding Doctor when I went to confirm another suspected baby on the way. I noticed as I sat in his office that he had a photo of 5 children on his desk and felt this was a good sign. This Doctor was caring and I felt able to tell him that others did not feel this pregnancy was a good thing but that I was so happy. He congratulated me and I was so encouraged in my heart and went away feeling content in my heart.

The first person I told was my Grandmother of most people in my life she was most able to understand and never judged me. It was true I didn't share with Grandma my deepest thoughts and struggles, to be honest I wish I could have, but most of the time her deafness really stopped me from sharing what I wanted. But I had a feeling she knew anyway and so I proudly told her about the baby and knew she understood my happiness.

The second person I told was my sister and she was happy for me too. Rachelle and I are alike in many ways and find comfort in our similarities because we both understand one another and accept the other for who and what we are. Both of us are losing our hearing though I am much worse than Shell my nickname for her, which means we can laugh about what it means and console the other for how our hearing loss makes our life harder. As Sister's we both share layback and relaxed natures, which does contribute to us being unpunctual and living in cluttered houses because we are not conformers or worriers about such things. But this does not always sit well with those who like to be on time and who are organised and our seemingly uncaring attitudes can have the wrong affect on even the most loved members of the family.
Having children of our own too of course adds to how we handle life so we do value having an understanding ear in each other and offer the other a soft place to fall. And it was precisely these reasons that I wanted to tell Rachelle about the pregnancy.

*****

Sadly though this pregnancy only made it to 14 weeks and I learnt the very hard lesson that a woman is changed the moment she knows she is pregnant and that a loss no matter how early affects the heart and days ahead. On April the 22nd I woke up to a trace of blood and was in shock and knew something was wrong. Never in any of my pregnancies had this ever happened that I bled when pregnant.

The rest of the day went in a bit of a blur because I kept bleeding steadily and knew there was something wrong yet the hospital seemed remotely unconcerned. Eventually the pain associated with the bleeding got so bad I rang my parents and told them I had to get to the Hospital. The hardest thing was how I was treated when I finally got treated in a small private cubical. Everything seemed so clinical and yet I was losing a baby and overwhelmed. I hated it, there was one Doctor who gave me an internal check that treated me so roughly and there was blood everywhere that I almost thought she was trying to yank my insides out. I am so glad I had Justin there with me he was really shocked too by this woman's cold cruel treatment of me.

Eventually I was moved to a ward and seeing as it was very late and Justin had to work the next day he left me to go home. But the pain-killers (Panadol) they gave me did nothing and when they turned off the light in my room where I was one of 4 patients. I lay in the darkness feeling the contractions and breathed as quietly as I could through the pain and I felt so very alone.

*****

Six weeks later I was sitting in my Doctor's office for a check up when he told me that there had been no baby. I felt so weird like I was a freak. Why had I felt pregnant, put on weight, why had my all my tests not shown anything was wrong with me? Apparently what I had delivered that night was a large mass of something but there had been no baby.. I know this sounds horrible and I plead forgiveness but I wish there had been. I had gone through 14 weeks only to deliver a mass of nothing.. I had thought of names, looked forward to a delivery date, seen my stomach growing and been so excited only to be told there was nothing.. So how could I even feel sad for nothing had been lost, there was nothing to grieve yet I did feel sad. I felt like a real freak.

*****

It is amazing how words help isn't. Because two people helped me get through this period of my life and only through the use of simply words.
One was a Child Health Nurse when I was getting Conner weighed and checked who asked how I was. I told her about what had happened to me and that I hoped to be able to have another baby. She simply said " Well I'll see you again in another year than." Wow just like that she said she'd see me in a year and I knew I'd be okay.

The other was a midwife at our local City Hospital only a few short months later. Yes I was pregnant again and I was sharing with her my previous history. I told her about the miscarriage (which is a word I am only writing as part of the story because even still I have trouble saying this when there was no baby) and she said "Oh there would have been a baby but I think the baby died much earlier as it was being formed maybe around 6 weeks.."
How much that helped me go on because I had a reason to allow myself to grieve.