As we circled Darwin to land and I glanced out the window, our plane appeared to hover over a city hidden beneath a blanket of bright stars; it didn't take long to descend to the runway. Due to time differences between Western Australia and Northern Territory of 1 1/2 hours it was well past midnight. Probably around 2 am.

We pulled into a darkened hangar away from the main airport terminal, a sign on one of the buildings indicated that this place was headquarters for the Flying Doctors service. An ambulance was already waiting. When I stepped out of the plane I had to descend to the ground on a type of elevator; the Doctor from Derby chided the waiting ambulance officer's. Telling them to be careful because I had only recently had surgery. It was one of only a few times my health or person was considered apart from Tyler.

There was some confusion as to my transportation to the hospital; apparently I had no hospital file accompanying me so the ambulance drivers were unsure of what category to place me in for their paperwork. As it worked out I was placed in the ambulance along with the other patient. Sitting in a bright ambulance clutching my few possessions, I glanced across at my travelling companion finding comfort in her bewilderment because I felt the same way. Tyler was to travel behind us in another ambulance; once again I was leaving him behind.

I never got to thank the Doctors who'd flown with him; I didn't get to see them again.

****

On arriving at the Emergency Entrance of the hospital, I was put into a wheel chair along with my bags and transported up inside a lift to the 6^th floor. The hospital was huge and strangely silent, of course it was early morning but I didn't like it at all. I came to a stop at the nurse's station in Special Care Nursery, but unfortunately I couldn't wait where I was so I was wheeled through more vacant passages and into the Maternity ward.

I was introduced to a Nurse who showed me to a bed, in a dimly lit room alongside another woman. The bed looked sterile and the room cold and bare, I asked for extra blankets before numbly starting to unpack. Not long after the same nurse returned and moved me to the next room. This room was private, with its own toilet and shower. I sat in my room exhausted it felt so overwhelming and impersonal, I felt so alone. I would have done almost anything to curl up into bed and close my eyes to it all, but I still had to wait. I just had to see Tyler settled before contemplating sleep.

While I waited I asked if I could use a breast pump, I wanted to keep up my breast milk I hoped Tyler could use it one day soon. I was shown to a milk room and given the use of sterilized equipment; a small fridge was available to keep a store of my milk.

It was important for me to keep up the use of a breast pump even though it was a tedious and impersonal experience. It was one of the only practical things I could contribute towards caring for Tyler and it identified me as being a lactating, post-natal woman. In other words being stripped of my baby didn't strip away who I was and what my person had just gone through in giving birth to a baby.

We as women might hate the burdens of menstruation, childbirth or the indignity womanhood thrusts upon us at times. But there is a certain honour that we can share in because these events shape our being and fit us for our important role as a woman. Created within us, is all that we need for protecting, nurturing and sustaining a growing life. We also have built-in emotions that develop into a strong desire to care for babies and growing children but which also extend to any lives blessed into our keeping. It was crucial for me to be guided by maternal feelings and find beauty in being a mother because these soothed the gulf between Tyler and I. Only with a God given mother love could I see my baby and bond to him despite the circumstances.

*****

Unpacking was mechanical, I waited for over an hour before someone told me I could go and see Tyler

*****

Tyler was lying in an open-sided cot. Surrounding him was a multitude of equipment and flickering lights; he was kept warm by a heating bar above his bed. It was explained that another breathing tube had been inserted and re-strapped because the previous one had been dislodged during transit. I was able to drag a stool alongside of his cot; I was given a quick rundown of what was going on and a basic explanation of all the bits and pieces now attached to my son. I was pretty tired so a lot of it didn't sink in; I was just pleased to see Tyler.

I collapsed into bed, thankfully sleep came quickly.

*****

I woke up to find a breakfast tray waiting beside my bed, when I got up to open the curtains I looked down to a beautiful view of an aqua blue ocean not far away. As my room was on the sixth floor I was captivated for a little while as I stood marvelling at the view. The nurses said that they had been checking on me all night, and once I was seen to be up and about, not a shift change went by without a nurse introducing herself and finding out if I needed anything. I was never considered a patient, but was given an identification bracelet with boarder mother written on it.

After a good hot shower I was ready to see my son again.

*****

The walk over to the Special Care Nursery wasn't very far, and was entered through double doors, which opened into a passage. Down the passage I passed a TV /waiting room, a normal nursery full of babies and then entered into a door which led directly into the Special Nursery.

Before I could touch Tyler I would have to wash my hands at one of the various sinks. Many signs on the how to and why fores of washing your hands surrounded the walls, stark reminders of the importance of cleanliness and hygiene. Tyler's cot was in a far corner, in a section where the most critical babies were placed.

On the wall just inside the door to the Special care Nursery was a whiteboard, it showed the layout of the nursery, the position of each baby's cot and each baby's name beside it. Plus the name of the staff member assigned to the baby or babies for that shift.

The nursery was separated into three different sections, Section one - Intensive care, Section two - High Level care and Section 3 - Low Level care. Then babies were moved into the nursery I had passed along the passage, before being sent home.

Tyler never moved out of his section.

As I walked in most staff turned and smiled some checking me out from behind sterile humidity cribs with much smaller and premature babies inside. The nursery was a hive of activity but I was offered a chair alongside Tyler's cot. His cot was right beside a window, which overlooked a leafy green sea of tropical plants surrounding the nearby private hospital, nurses quarters and beyond that the roofs of many houses. Russell a male nurse who was caring for Tyler familiarized me with the ventilator and how it worked. Next he explained the reason for the many IV lines, which seemed to snake their way around Tyler's body.

Tyler was being fed via a drip, was being intravenously dosed with medicine to keep him paralysed, and given antibiotics as a preventive measure against infection. He had electrodes taped on his chest to monitor his heart rate and temperature, and was also attached to a monitor, which kept a check on his oxygen level. His head was resting on a water filled pillow and a catheter was jutting cruelly out of his penis. At first it was all fascinating to see because compared to other tiny babies in the ward, underneath it all Tyler was pink, chubby and looked all right. There were a few marks on his skin from attempted tries for IV lines, but I was strangely unaffected at the sight of Tyler. Perhaps my unawareness of the severity of Tyler's condition was protecting me.

Doctors told me that a multitude of tests were presently being undertaken to assess what was happening to Tyler, at this time Tyler was as stable as can be expected.

*****

I could touch Tyler without restraint, hold what fingers I could find that were free from drips and needles; both arms were strapped and taped up. There seemed hardly a moment when there wasn't some procedure being done to my baby. I kept constantly looking around to compare him with other babies. But another staff member told me that other parents wouldn't like me watching their babies, I felt taken aback. I would be proud if someone looked at Tyler! As it was, at some time or other nearly all of the staff in the ward came over to look at Tyler.

A few questions came up as to the gestation of my pregnancy and when Tyler was born; it was thought that his lungs might have been underdeveloped. Someone suggested he had been born at 36 weeks, but I shook my head I was sure of my dates. His size proved he couldn't be any earlier; he was by far the biggest baby in the Special Care Nursery.

Tyler was drugged every 4 hours to prevent him waking up and fighting the breathing tube, as the Doctors suspected would happen.

As time passed by and I sat watching, it all became overwhelming to me and I excused myself for the privacy of my room. I hadn't heard from Justin since Derby and was anxious to hear if he were okay.

Thankfully he phoned from Katherine; he and Tim would be in Darwin in around 3 hours. I decided to have a sleep until they arrived.

*****

When I awoke I almost expected to see Justin and Tim standing in my room, I had no idea how long I'd slept. I could see no notes on the table beside my bed.

I opened the curtains and was momentarily blinded by rays of a hot afternoon sun, once my eyes had adjusted to the light I scanned the visible car park to see if I could spot them. When I had almost given up trying to spot the car, I spied our red Nissan Patrol parked on a nature strip and Justin and Tim walking toward the hospital. I was so excited and wanted to immediately run down and meet them, the only thing holding me back was that I didn't know the layout of the hospital and didn't want to risk missing them.

*****

It was rest time in the maternity wing and visitors were restricted from entering. I believe Justin was just about ready to chew out a nurse, who was not letting him into visit me when I walked around the corner to see him and Tim standing at the entrance of the Maternity ward. From the look of determination on Justin's face it was clear to all that he was not going to be kept out without a fight. When I approached and yet another nurse intervened saving the situation, he was instantly allowed in to see me.

*****

Justin and Tim looked worn out, but had arrived safely and in one piece, looking perfect to me. I was given a bunch of flowers and a little green dog for Tyler. It was either the green dog or a gorilla Justin said I couldn't have cared less. They sank exhausted into chairs beside my bed, not surprising after a seventeen and a half-hour drive. They'd driven straight through from Fitzroy Crossing to Darwin taking turns to sleep. Revving themselves up with red eye (energy drink) and coffee milk. They had left home at 9.00pm Sunday night arriving Darwin at 2.30pm Monday afternoon. The sheer adrenaline rush of it all had kept them going.

The roads they travelled would have been empty of much traffic, the darkness of night and the gunning of the engine the only distractions.

Their eyes would have been constantly searching for cattle roaming across the road, and the stereo keeping good company when the non-driving passenger is no longer awake and keeping conversation flowing.

Drinks, snacks, thoughts running through the mind, toilet stops, counting kilometres, anything to pass the time. Keep going, cattle grids that shake your bones, bugs that splatter on the windscreen and white lines that flash past endlessly. Signposts that point to distant homesteads, road kill that warns you to watch your speed, the blinding light of oncoming vehicles and the teasing glow of roadhouse lights on the far horizon. This is some of what they went through that night.

One after the other they began repeating stories of the trip.

One part of their story that demonstrates the overriding hand of God going before them that I feel compelled to include is when they arrived at the first roadhouse on the trip. This is situated at Halls Creek 295 kilometres drive from Fitzroy Crossing.

When they stopped to purchase fuel they found the only two Roadhouses in town were closed for the night. Justin was desperate to keep going so he went to the local police station to ask for help. The local Constable was understanding of the situation and put a call through to the management of the Shell Roadhouse. It was not standard practice to open up the fuel pumps at night for passing trade; Justin was willing to give an extra $50 just for the inconvenience. The Constable emphasized over the phone how he could see that Justin seemed genuine, thankfully the manager's wife decided that she would come and give them some fuel. Justin said that when the lady arrived she had with her another person and two massive dogs, obviously she wasn't taking any unnecessary risks. Tim and Justin were extremely relieved and very kindly the lady didn't ask for any extra money.

(This same lady continued to inquire after Tyler and myself at previous stopovers and gave our family some special attention when next as a family we stopped in town.)

*****

It was so comforting to see both familiar faces, I was not alone anymore. My whole world suddenly seemed brighter and not just because of Justin's arrival.

I am not confident in addressing strangers by myself, I hate talking on the phone and that's one on one and I can't even see the person on the other end of the phone. I also find making decisions very difficult, even simple ones; I was not born with leader potential I'm contented in being a follower.

Here at the hospital I didn't want my incompetence at making decisions and conversing with continually changing staff to affect Tyler; I didn't want to be burdened with that sort of responsibility. With so much going on that I had no involved choice in changing, at least in this I was free to call the shots and leave any concerns safely in Justin's hands. I wouldn't have to worry about what to say; with Justin around I would be safe from any awkward situations. Justin has never been short on keeping up a conversation and is very adept at getting along with anyone; this left me free from the worry of negotiating with the hospital.

I valued Justin's presence; I needed his help to face whatever the Doctor's would find wrong with Tyler. I needed his embrace now that my arms were aching for my baby. I could look to Justin when I had trouble hearing what anyone said, and I could relax because Justin could make me laugh.

Laughter may seem odd in a time such as this but together we have always found it to be a great stress buster when we can see the humorous side of life. Many a time has gone by when Justin and I have gotten out of a tight and suffocating spot with a funny line or joke. One of the reasons I love Justin so much is because he makes me laugh and I needed to laugh now.

*****

Three faces peered down at our little sick baby. The strain showing clearly on all of us but the reason was well worth it. Tyler slept unaware on his new bed. Justin asked a few questions, not before placing his hand lovingly on his son. No distance would have proved too far for him to have missed being here now.

Tiredness prevented them from staying long. I said goodbye at the elevators because they still had to organize a return ticket for Tim and a room for the night. I'd see them later.

*****

Earlier this morning I had received a phone call from midwife Pauline at the Hospital in Fitzroy Crossing. Words cannot express how she cheered me up, showing her concern and friendship by calling to see how Tyler and I both were.

A Phone call around 4pm gave a very worried family at home great relief. The children fought to hear my voice. I assured Rachelle that Tim would be home within a couple of days. I made plans to ring again next evening. It was to become a daily occurrence.

*****

After my evening meal, as the sun started to fade Justin and Tim returned. Tim had already secured a seat on a bus for a return trip to Fitzroy Crossing leaving early the next morning. Apparently the hospital was about 25 minutes drive from the city centre and most of their afternoon had been taken up in travelling back and forth finding the most affordable transport for Tim.

As two people at a time were the recommended number of visitors preferred for babies in the Special Care Nursery, Tim said he'd kindly wait for us in the TV room. Russell who had earlier been looking after Tyler was just beginning to introduce himself to Tim as Justin and I closed the door and went to visit Tyler.

*****

Tim and Justin had booked a room at a Motel/Hotel in the City. I thanked Tim earnestly for his help before he left for an expected good night's sleep. Justin could never have arrived so quickly if it had not been for the generosity of Tim and his help in driving all of the 1354 kilometres between Fitzroy Crossing and Darwin.

Tim was all to pleased to have done all that he could for his little nephew. I hugged him goodbye; it was all I could do to show him my gratitude.

*****

As I finally lay to rest that first night in Darwin, on Tyler's 6^th day of life, everything was beginning to crowd in on me. I felt overwhelmed by just trying to piece together the fragments of the last 24 hours, without even contemplating where all of it might lead. A baby in the room next to mine was continually crying and I felt anxious for it to be comforted. What would tomorrow hold? Would Tyler see the next day, the next week?

I picked up my bible; I scanned its pages for verses or a passage on sadness, facing sickness or on isolation. I found nothing I could put my finger on. Suffering was the closest category I could find; yet I wasn't suffering or being persecuted. Simply needing comfort, Tyler was the one ultimately suffering; I didn't like to dwell on that subject. I needed something to bolster me as I faced this alongside of Tyler; I didn't find what I was looking for.

In the quietness of my room I prayed. I like to do that; it comforts me to know that at the very moment I speak to God he is hearing me. I was talking to a God who always understands, even that which I didn't yet comprehend but was feeling all the same. My prayers have always included each member of my family, but now each name was mouthed in heartfelt admiration. How thankful was I to God for the safe arrival of Tim and Justin, and how I desired Gods added blessing for a safe arrival of Tim back in Fitzroy Crossing. My heart now lifted up my precious baby son Tyler; I asked for God's guidance to be upon those who cared for his every breath, of whose decisions his life now depended on. I also asked for a safe mantle of sleep to help me see through whatever tomorrow would bring.

I tell you honestly, there was not a night throughout Tyler's hospital stay that I didn't sleep soundly.